I bet you didn’t know how much fun you would have when you visited. I bet that many of you didn’t even know you were visiting or how you got here. I even bet that perhaps I am delusional in thinking that you [dear reader] have any inclination to care for, interpret, laugh amongst yourselves and families, or discuss what I have to expound here on or about your respective and/or proverbial water coolers. “No matter,” says I. You will have fun, and that is why you are here of course, dear reader.

AND NOW TO THE SUBJECT OF WATER (into magic wine) COOLERS:

It is widely known that the French have no God - save for Jerry Lewis. Move over Perrier! Now we TRUE AMERICANS can have our Freedom Fries with Holy Drinking Water distilled in the pure waters of Heaven. This unique outfit in Heaven (or rather, Stockton, CA) has decided it's time we show our true colors and confirm what the rest of the world seems to think of America -- that is we truly are "Holier than Thou." On a side note, Heaven/Stockton seems to have a problem in its Admissions Department as in 2006 it ranked #8 in the U.S. for cities with the worst crime rate. St. Peter - You're fired! I guess Jesus will have a lot of work to do filling sinners' mouths with his "intense heat".

Visit the Holy Drinking Water website to purchase a case for someone who needs saving in France today!: http://www.holydrinkingwater.info/

This warning appears on the label: "Warning to sinners: If you are a sinner or evil in nature, this product may cause burning, intense heat, sweating, skin irritations, rashes, itchiness, vomiting, bloodshot and watery eyes, pale skin color, and oral irritations."

And, so I'm left to conclude that these "adverse" effects are simply Jesus turning water to wine by making magic in my mouth!

Thank you Jesus!

HELLOOOOOO BABY!:

A recent autopsy by the famed Forensic Scientist and Mens' Fashion Designer, Dr. Bill Bass, has revealed that, in fact, the Big Bopper did not die of a gunshot wound (as roughly ten people in the world might have you believe). "Surprisingly," he concluded, "Mr. Bopper died in 1959 shortly before the infamous plane crash that killed himself as well as musicians Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens when Mr. Valens 'shanked' Mr. Bopper with a switchblade for continuously sneaking up on him and shouting 'Hello Baby!' Mr. Holly and Mr. Valens died while attempting to use what Mr. Holly believed to be the onboard flux-capacitor to fly the plane into the future [1971] and ask Don McLean to write a much abridged version of the song The Day the Music Died (American Pie). Since the flux-capacitor was not invented unitl 1985, Mr. Holly instead had flipped the ignition swtich to the off position."

Note: The surviving families of Mr. Holly and Valens have filed a wrognfull death suit in a Los Angeles civil court against actor Christopher Lloyd for his alleged involvement in their deaths.
SEE AP ARTICLE HERE: http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Music/03/07/bigbopper.autopsy.ap/index.html